Parenting is so hard

Sometimes it is good to hear that I am not a bad mom.  I cannot imagine what it was like for the mothers that had autistic children during the era of blaming the mom.  But has that really changed?   There are other blogs out there discussing “refrigerator mom” and comparing the now “warrior mother” and saying both are rooted in guilt.  Don’t all mother’s want the best for their kids?  Don’t all mothers feel it is their responsibility to raise their kids to have good manners and be productive citizens.  Don’t other parents judge you when your kids acts out?  I always felt judged and like most parents of ASD kids became reclusive.  I used to try to explain to the previous psychologist that I thought it was a great idea to get him out there more with people but what am I supposed to do when he completely acts out and maybe hurts another kids.  Then we are both humiliated and the other parents look at me like I am the worst parent ever.  I love the following “My Child has autism, questions appreciate, parenting advise is not”  see link below for button that says that.  There are days I feel I need the button.,225091844

When my son was younger he just seemed like an unruly little kid that didn’t follow directions and had temper tantrums.  I remember the thing that bothered my husband the most was when we went out to dinner he would lay down in the booth.  Now that he is diagnosed I think he was managing his sensory overload.  Now he comes across as a rude teenager.  I try to teach him manners but just like when he was younger he doesn’t always do what we say.  Yes, of course he is a rule follower but he can’t follow social rules because he can’t understand them.  Today we went to the psychiatrist and my son did not want to go.  He said he is tired of all the doctors.  I am sorry but we need to go and it will be a short visit.  We get there and B.R. barely acknowledged him.  I kept trying to tell my son to interact with the doctor but he kept barely looking at him and barely talking to him.  Finally the psychiatrist looked at me and said “it is okay kids come in here all the time and don’t talk to me it doesn’t bother me.  I think it bothers you more as the mom.  I don’t think you are a bad mother because he isn’t talking.”  I was so relieved because of course that is what I was thinking. I almost cried because I just always harbor such guilt.  I kept worrying maybe I should be yelling at him to talk because yelling at an autistic kid to talk would make me a good parent??  It is just so hard to know what to do sometimes. I try so hard and it always seems to backfire.  I just always second guess myself. When should I punish him?  What is from the autism?  What is just being a rude teenager?  So I try to tell him what is appropriate behavior and reward good behavior and punish the bad behavior when really bad. Maybe I am too soft on him sometimes.   But don’t all mom’s pick their battles with their kids?

We leave the doctor and again my son says he is just tired of so many doctors.  Well now that I really think about it that is a valid complaint.  The last few months have been awful between getting diagnosed and then he also had his tonsils out.  Then the current psychologist keeps having him come back once a week.  For what?  I don’t even know what he does with him but I don’t think he is helping him.  I don’t think my son likes him so why are we going once a week?   In my quest to fix him I am just irritating him more and what are we fixing?  He still needs counseling but probably not once a week.  He doesn’t seem as depressed as before.  He is less motivated but he is 14.  Or maybe I am a bad mom and I just don’t see that he is a rude teenager and I should be handling it different.  I once read something about how adolescence is hard enough but an adolescence with autism is straight from the devil (something like that).  Well being a parent of adolescent on the spectrum ain’t no picnic either.

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