And then some days I just lose it


I realize I probably have too much on my plate to start with.  I work full time, am the primary “breadwinner” and also the primary caregiver of my son.  Sometimes the stress of it all just gets to be too much.  I usually do okay when he has issues but this morning I just couldn’t deal with it.  I had a hair appointment scheduled this morning and since he is 14 I usually can leave him by himself but this morning it all fell apart.  He was awake and I just wanted him to take his pills before I left.  He refused to take his pills.  Of course because I had an appointment and would be gone for a while I wanted him to take his pills.  I recently read a great book by Myles and Southwick called Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments.  When I originally read the book I thought it made a lot of sense in describing how to deal with a kid in the cycle of rage.  I did everything wrong this morning but damn it I just wanted to go to my appointment.  That was my first mistake of course because then I became insistent that he take his pills now.  This is partly my fault for letting him get out of the routine of taking his pills in the morning over the summer.  He likes to sleep in so over the summer he was getting up later and taking his pills after an hour or more of being awake.  But now with school starting I need to get him back into the routine of waking up early, eating and taking his pills.

I can beat myself up for this but really he does need to learn that sometimes he just needs to do things on other people’s schedules.  Sometimes I just need him to do what is asked when it is asked.  If you are a parent of an Aspie you know that this is not how it works with them.  I kept pushing him and of course he blew up.  This morning it just escalated to the point of him yelling at me.  I then realized there was no point in arguing with him as it would just escalate the situation more.  Like the book says don’t ever get into a power struggle because you as the adult will lose.  I lost the battle this morning and then I went into my room and lost it alone and quietly.

After we both calmed down I went in to talk to him about why he needed to take his pills when I tell him.  He apologized but again told me how he really can’t help it in the morning when he is still half asleep.  He went on to tell me I could have left him alone and gone to my appointment. So I explained that I couldn’t leave him when he was upset because he could have hurt himself.  He looks at me very concerned and asks if I really believed he would hurt himself.  I knew I had to be careful how I answered.  I know he wants to be normal but I also know he needs to understand why I worry.  I told him that when he gets like that yes it worries me that he could do something.  Years ago he used to bang his head on the wall or the floor when he became upset.  We finally got him to stop doing that by explaining how he could really hurt himself.  He seemed to understand and began sort of biting himself, but it is more like giving himself a sucker bite on his arm. He explained that he really couldn’t hurt himself by doing that and it makes him feel better.  I just worry he could do something else so I can’t leave him alone when he gets upset.  I only leave him alone for short periods of time when he is in a good mood and no issues.  Thinking back he didn’t really rage this morning, he was more in the “rumbling” stage but still to be safe I stayed home.  He has improved regulating his mood and his meds help with that.  Actually we laugh when we hear him telling his friends on the ps3 to calm down it is only a game.  Which is actually why I was most reluctant to leave.  I was afraid he would get online to play games and someone else would push his buttons and cause a rage.

I also felt it was a good teaching moment to tell my son that I was a little on edge today and that was part of the reason I became so upset.  I try to tell him about my emotions and how I deal with them to help him understand emotions are okay, it is just how we deal with them that sometimes causes a problem.  He told me that I should go get one of our cats and try to relax.  He is right I just need to relax.

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