Doing Things out of Spite


My son was in pretty good spirits over the weekend.  Although we did not have cable or internet we found a way to make the best of it.  We all watched green lantern together and it was really like watching it with Sheldon Cooper.  My son wears a green lantern shirt but from Big Bang Theory but I wasn’t aware he was actually a fan of Green Lantern.  It was amazing what he knew.

I had told him that he had a visit with the psychologist Monday morning and he said okay.  Monday morning when I woke him up I told him what time we had to leave.  He questioned the time because he didn’t want to be late for school.  This was an excellent sign and hindsight being 20/20 I should have cancelled the appt.

We went to the appointment and the psychologist annoyed him.  I like the psychologist but she is not the same as the other psychologist we both really loved.  And quite honestly I had some moments where I felt uncomfortable.  Like issues were being brought up that didn’t need to be brought up or something.  I don’t know, I just felt unsettled.  Maybe this is related to my being more towards autistic on the NT spectrum.  I think @porterhouselife and I may have made this up but I think it is true.

Anyways during the session he became irritated with her.  We offered for him to go in to another room and he said no.  The psychologist and I continued talking because in the past when he has done this he will jump in at some point. The psychologist and I discussed providing him with a reward if went to school all week.  I suggested money for minecraft.  I asked my son how much he thought was fair.  Apparently this psychologist feels this is giving him control.

The other psychologist (no longer in practice sob!) felt he should discuss with us the rewards & consequences because then it is meaningful to him.  He does not ask for outlandish things.  If anything I offer outlandish things.  My son is always reasonable, in fact he sometimes refuses rewards!  I think I suggested 20 but I think my son caught that she had shook her head no (she explained her reasoning to me later).  Anyways when I suggested 20 she calculated how much that was per day.  Yep, now I remember why we both got irritated.  If I said 20 bucks was good for me considering hasn’t had any rewards in a while, doesn’t get an allowance & I REALLY need him to go to school then it is fair.  I guess she doesn’t have a long enough history with him to know that he is not going to expect $20 every week for going to school.  I just gotta get him over the hump.

Anyways at this point he shuts down and says he isn’t going to school for that since that was her idea.  Oh crap.  I probably shouldn’t have but I brought up that this an issue with him that he will refuse to do things out of spite.  The psychologist commented that if he didn’t go to school it would not affect her.  I understand her point but I think it just upset him more.

Usually he will not do homework because mad at a teacher.  In fact he currently will not do science because he is mad at Mrs. T.  He doesn’t mind her in language arts so he does work in there I guess.

This happened last year in Algebra and finally he worked through the issue.  In fact by the end of the year he said that was his favorite teacher.  I tried reminding him of this and of course he says there is NO WAY she will be his favorite.

After the appointment he told me he is not going to school.  Sigh I talked to the case manager and he said he is fine once he is there.  In fact he said when he is there he even jokes around with Mrs. T.  But there have been times that he refuses to work.  We discussed how he will continue to work with my son and he told me it will be okay.  I almost cried, okay, maybe I did cry.

I took my son home and my husband was home with him and he did not allow him to play video games.  He moped around some and said everybody hated him and stuff like that.  When I came home from work he started talking to me and seemed excited about going back to school.  Although I only let him play video games for an hour he was very pleasant to me all evening.  Even when I refused to let him play video games or have his phone back.

This morning he got up and went to school without any argument.  He asked about opening a present early so we told him that if he goes every day this week he can open a present friday.  I am pretty sure the $20 is off the table but at this point if he goes to school I don’t even care if he asks for it!

I did hear that he did not work in Science today.  That class is also his first period and the case manager said he was going to give him the day to transition back and talk to him tomorrow.  YAY so he had a good day today.  I did talk to him again about how the only person that suffers by him not working is him.  I also then offered another present if he works in Science all week.

Again if anyone has any suggestions on this doing things out of spite issue that would be great!

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Comments

  1. I have NO advice. I’ll do/ not do things out of spite, so does my husband. If I get annoyed / fed up… screw it.

    I don’t really see a whole lot wrong with it, truth be told.. but I can see how it would be frustrating to a parent.

  2. This is really similar to my aspergers daughter. If she is angry or upset, she becomes very resistant to doing things. I would describe my daughter as being the matyr when she gets likes this. I usually wait for her to come out of the anger and then talk through what is upsetting her. Usually she bounces back but sometimes she ends up missing out. We’re trying to teach her that she is the one that looses out when she is inflexible but often she can’t see it. I vaguely remember being like this when I was a child; I’ve improved so it may just be a case of maturation. Deb x

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