My Meltdown


We are both still adjusting to Online school I suppose even though it has been a few weeks.  It felt like it was taking a lot of organization and executive functioning skills to figure out what needed to be done when.  I kept having a nagging feeling that I was over complicating things.  I think that I was but now I have it organized and I feel as though I know what we need to do every day.

We are a bit behind but I keep trying to tell myself that is okay for many reasons.  The number one reason being he was either behind or refusing to do work most of the time when was in regular school so really why would it be different now?  He will survive if he doesn’t complete a couple of assignments, and we will all be much saner.  I can probably even get some of the assignments excluded if we needed to based on his IEP.  Since it is early in the semester though I am just moving forward and see how much we get done and really we are not that far behind.  But I am that type A personality so it is hard for me to RELAX.

Yesterday I had a really bad day at work.  I knew that I was stressed and had decided would only do minimal work with him and be happy for anything that gets completed.  I swear that was my mindset.

My husband did not have to work late and quite honestly that made me nervous.  I always feel judged by him.  Especially related to the online schooling.  My husband didn’t want him to be homeschooled or attend online school.  I did it anyways.  Overall my husband has commented that it is better.  However he asks me every day what work was completed.  Every day I tell my husband to quit asking me that.  It stresses me out more.  It drives me absolutely nuts when he asks me that.  I feel judged and under more stress when he asks me.  It is a simple question really and my husband insists he is just making conversation.

I can’t seem to express appropriately that I really hate that question every day.  We are getting the work done at our pace.  Although I do admit we need to move a bit faster but I also know we are working through transition.  We also had to determine the best way and time of day that worked for Sheldon and I.  If he is resistant we don’t get very far.

It all started when my husband called when he was leaving work.  This practice irritates me in general because he wants to talk to me about his day on his way home from work.  I want that time to finish whatever I am doing prior to his arrival home.  He usually works much later and for the few months his hours change it is disruptive to my routine.  Sigh, yep pretty sure I am an aspie.

Anyways I told him I had a bad day and then he continued to talk about whatever.  He then says “are you sure nothings wrong, it seems like something is wrong.”  I say, “I just told you I had a bad day!”  Duh.  I probably should have started some relaxation techniques then.  Unfortunately I didn’t.  He comes home and of course asks me about school work.  I was trying to get Sheldon started and already starting to stress over it so I really didn’t need to be questioned.  GRRR

As the night went on he was resistant to starting his school work because he was playing with his friends.  Obviously I want him to play with his friends but we also need to do school work.   Time for school work seems to be the biggest issue at the moment.  I am at work at the optimum time for him to work.  I am working on flexing my hours to be at home during part of the day but this week is just a really bad week for that.

To put things in to perspective co-workers are telling me I am working too much and supposed to be leaving early to work with him.  I try explaining this to my husband and he gets irritated that I have to leave work to accommodate him and that he should just do the work when I say.  I feel trapped.

What happens when someone feels trapped- they blow up.  At least I do.  It was not pretty.  Although it is true my son  needed to do his work last night I did not have to tell him he had to do it right then or he would have to go back to regular school.  I even said something about his dad would force him to go.  There may have been a reference to cops being involved to make him go.  What the hell was I thinking.  I guess like him when I melt I just say random things.  Shit.  I seriously suck as a parent.

Of course this does not encourage him to do school work.  Instead it causes the reaction that regular school does.  He shuts down and starts saying that I should call the cops and he belongs in a mental hospital and all sorts of negative things.  Oh I really suck.  We may have been behind but he was working and he was doing well.  Why did I let my husband get me stressed out.  So now I am crying and yelling at my husband.  He is of course saying he didn’t do anything.  I can’t really explain to him correctly how I feel.

I go to calm Sheldon down.  I am devastated that I have broken his trust.  I apologize up and down.  I feel horrible for losing it.  Yes he needs to do school work and we need to make sure we move at a good pace but having a meltdown and spewing off threats isn’t how to accomplish that.

I eventually calm us both down.  We talk about how I will try to be there for the times that he can accomplish the best work without distractions and still have time with his friends.  I get it, I really do.  He will work with me at other times on the days that I can’t be home during those times.  We agreed and we made up.  We even did school work and got a lot accomplished.  But next time I feel that stressed I will go with my gut instinct and not expect much from him or just take the day off.

Hopefully my husband will forgive me as well. Although I do hope he learned not to ask about school work!  As someone pointed out on twitter he probably had his own internal stuff going on.  It was Valentine’s Day.  There were no winners in our house for Valentine’s Day!

Advertisements

Comments

  1. HEY! You do not suck, as a parent or at anything else. You’re doing an amazing job and it’s not easy.

    One of the things I’ve learned recently is that meltdowns happen and the world recovers LOL. I get hard on myself when I have one cause I don’t like who I become when I’m in fight mode. I’m workin on learning the difference between inappropriate expressions of anger and healthy ones so I don’t have to be angry at myself when I’m not even acting inappropriately. Anyway, so you exploded, Sheldon shut down, the world kept turning and now here you are on a new day ready to do better. And that’s the important thing… you learned from it.

    Does Sheldon have a written or visual schedule? It very often helps me to make a visual schedule showing me what time is work time and what time is play on the computer time. Part of my self-discipline problem is that if I don’t know exactly when work ends I either work too long or feel like work is forever and don’t get started at all.

    • Thank you for saying I don’t suck! I try so hard to be a good mom to him! You are right the world continues and I try to tell myself that with any of his meltdowns as well. He has a visual, written schedule but he wasn’t really following it. The biggest issue has been establishing what time we are going to do things. Like last night he knew what time it was and that it was the agreed upon time but he also knew his friends were online. I think we have just been going through a transition of establishing how long the work takes and when are good times for us to work on it. And both of us being flexible. For example if he is to work on things at 2 PM but he isn’t able to for whatever reason what is the established start time. (Like today he slept too late because he was up half the night! but he made plans with his friends at 4 so we are going to start later tonight) We have established how long we will work every day because I definitely agree that he needs to know how long things will take. That has always been an issue!

      I know we will get through this but last night was really rough! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your input and support.

  2. I would second the setting of a visual schedule.

    Also, perhaps you might want to sit down with Sheldon and talk to him about melt-downs and explain how everybody has them. When my parents got mad and yelled at me like insane people, I just thought they were mad at me and the world was ending. If you can explain to him that you, too, get overwhelmed and sometimes have meltdowns and say/do things you don’t mean (just like he does) it might help him in the long run.

    Good luck!

    • Thanks E! Very good point about visual schedule, explained more in reply to the other comment.
      In regards to the explaining afterwards that is an excellent point & I 100% agree with you on that. I can’t remember whether or not I talked about it in another meltdown post or not but it is really an important point! My husband is a very anxious person and I make sure to explain this to my son. It is very important for us both to understand that. I try to explain to my husband that his anxiety gets us going and to please take it elsewhere. I also know that because of his issues I may react more harshly because of past anxiety outbursts.

      I also did make a point of telling him last night that I was sorry I lost control of my emotions and that I am working on controlling emotions as well as he is. I did gloss over how we worked it out but that was definitely an important part of it. Even though I am the parent I am not perfect and have similar issues as he does.

      I just received Aspergirls in the mail by the way. Really looking forward to reading it. Thanks!

  3. quirkyandlaughing says:

    You’re really going through it! Transition is BRUTAL, even a positive one like homeschooling. Heck, my family has trouble adjusting to vacation. You had the strength to choose homeschooling even though you were getting resistance – you’ll have the strength to pull through this, too.

    As an Aspie, I find it extremely comforting to know that other people have meltdowns. Maybe your son will, too – especially since you apologized.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences about homeschooling – I am very strongly considering it, too. If I choose it, I know posts like this will help me feel less alone.

  4. You absolutely do not suck! You are human! We all loose it once in a while. Dealing with these stubborn teens is hard work! Not to mention the grown up children we are married to. I would have lost it too. I felt like loosing it last night. Instead…I kept it together and ate a brownie. But it was not a happy V-day around here either. You are doing a great job mama! ((hugs))

  5. You definitely do not suck! I have meltdowns all the time, then have to go back and fix things. It’s because of the stress and there is just something about that stress that results in a mom snapping. It’s hard when mom feels like she has to work, clean, and take care of the schooling. You really have a lot on your plate. Maybe your husband could help with some of the schooling 😉

    • Thank you but I don’t think husband helping with school would end well for anyone LOL Although maybe the suggestion would shut him up!! BTW he isn’t all bad he does do a lot with cooking and cleaning.

  6. Go easy on yourself! Transitions of any kind are difficult, and going to online schooling takes particular time to develop a rhythm. My mom is actually getting her PhD in education policy studying online education (she helped start a couple in this state actually), so we’ve had many a conversation about how useful the schools can be, but also the challenges that come with them. You guys will get the hang of it in time! You are doing a great job, don’t forget that!

Trackbacks

  1. […] My Meltdown (aspieside.com) […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: