More Brownies!

My mind has been racing for weeks now.  So much between my son’s school and the vigil, and stresses at work, stress at home, and dear lord stress with other parents.

Race, race, race,

read email, zig race that way,

read something else, zag over that way,

race, race, race, race.

The other night I woke up at 4 AM and my son was awake.  He was upset, uncooperative, and refusing to take his pills.  I had tried to get him to take his pills before I went to bed but he won out over my exhaustion.  So then 4 AM and he is cranky, overly tired, probably hungry, not communicating his real needs and I am exhausted.  But it doesn’t matter how much I am exhausted I can’t yell at him, I can’t even force him to do what I want.  I tried reasoning but that didn’t work.  I offered food since usually that is a contributing factor to his crankiness.  “NO! JUST GO AWAY” I take a deep breath because I know not to engage in an argument with him.  I go away and come back.  He is still upset but agrees to cereal when I offer it.

He eats the cereal and is still crabby.  I ask if he wants more to eat and he shakes his head vigorously.  He is clearly still in need of something but he won’t communicate in this state of being upset.  I offer his cat and he says yes.  Once he has the cat (who happened to walk in the room when I offered him.  I swear that cat was secretly trained or something!) he asks for brownies.  It is 4 AM.  sigh, I say “sure if you will take your pills”  He immediately lit up and said “really?”  Sure.

I mean really I could have spent 4o minutes trying everything to convert him to being happy and cooperative but instead I invested that time in making brownies.  I am not sure how I functioned that well to make them since I barely function in the kitchen on a good day but they were made.

The next morning was rough.  I had to walk across a bridge between buildings that I always walk down but that morning with not enough sleep and not enough coffee it was horrible experience.  The pattern on the floor was too much, the windows and the way the light was cast across the bridge.  Oh it was just unexplainable.  And their were fans overhead.  I hate fans.  Despise them.  And there was one every couple of feet.  I never noticed them before.  I don’t know what was going on that morning but I thought that walk across the bridge was never going to end.  I haven’t been able to walk across it again since that morning.  Thank goodness it has been relatively warm out.  It was awful.

So many things on my mind I plan to write about but I am soooo tired and worn out.  I am not sure I am thinking clearly at this point. But there are so many things racing around in my head.  Will post more in the next couple of days but thought you might enjoy yet another Brownie story 🙂  Or reading about my horrible sensory experience.

Oh but for all you who are married.  Guess what my husband said in the morning?

“How did the kitchen get so messy from when I went to bed?!?!”

Seriously, like I was going to take the time to clean up after myself in the middle of the night!!


  1. I feel your frustration. I am impressed that you organized the vigil and have been doing so much for Autistic April, but it all adds up.

    Your walk across the bridge reminds me of moments of hyperclarity that I have. It is as if the world snaps into ultra sharp focus. Oddly, this happens to me frequently at Wal-mart. I can see all of the bottles, boxes and bins as separate entities. It’s vertiginous. The colors and textures are overwhelming.

    I hope you get your rest caught up. 🙂

    • Thank you, you are always so supportive.

      Been slowly catching up on rest. Been really crabby and on verge of meltdown on work. But working on solving that as well.

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