Parenting is Hard!


Last night was one of those nights. He has been off schedule and off his meds for about a week because the plan failed.  My medical issues got worse (post for another day) and the two of them just well I don’t know.  I do know it could have been worse.  There was just a complete free for all.  Sheldon didn’t take his meds and slept whenever he felt like it.  I tried to get him back on track but it is hard to do.  He wasn’t really angry or having meltdowns and so my husband kept saying he was fine off his meds.

Sheldon is a good kid but he is a teenager.  In my opinion that is what they need a cure for!  Geez!  He used to be motivated and be much more oh geez I don’t know but now he is just, well, a teenager.  I don’t know what other teenagers are like though.  I know I was horrible.

Sheldon seems to have good days and bad days.  When he just has a few bad days I usually just let it go and know eventually it will be a good day.  And honestly the bad days are not so bad because he doesn’t go to brick and mortar school.  So as long as we leave him alone on a “bad” day he just keeps to himself.  I wouldn’t even consider it a bad day but he has school work to do and on those days he just wants left alone & won’t do any school work.  He does watch educational TV though so he gets something.  And as stated previously when he is playing online he is working on his social skills & advocacy so it is not a total loss!

But of course I start to become anxious.  I start to have my internal dialogue about how he needs to do schoolwork.  About how he should be more compliant, maybe I am doing something wrong.  Maybe he will some day hate me for not pushing him enough.  Maybe I need more rules.  Maybe I am not providing enough structure.  Maybe he will never be motivated.  Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe….

I try to counter that with positive self talk.  Something I have learned from going to therapy with him- the one psychologist was really good.  Anyways I counter with reminding myself that when I was a teenager I was not motivated, not compliant & was out doing way worse things.  If my mother tried to give me structure, rules or anything else I just rebelled harder.  I refused to go to school and to do school work all the time.

But then I don’t know, will he be like me.  I don’t know.  And really honestly it is so much work.  Because working and being “productive” as it is right now is more than just book smart.  No matter how much acceptance there is there will always be the boss that values how some one looks and their social abilities more than hardwork.  I struggle to conform.  Could he?  Would he want to?  What am I to teach him?  If I let him totally just be him am I doing him a disservice?

Last night I tried to give him more structure.  Epic failure.  Maybe it was because he was off schedule and pills for so long.  I did finally get him to take his pills and go to bed at 3AM.  But it was a long night.

He had refused to do school work.  In hindsight I shouldn’t have pushed it because he wasn’t on meds.  But part of me wanted to see if he could do schoolwork off meds.  Like maybe he is doing so well with self regulating he doesn’t need the meds anymore.  Although I know I need my Zoloft to self regulate!  Anyways in short he refused and became upset. I became triggered because he said he never wants to do school.  I should know by now this is what he says sometimes.  It is how he feels in that moment but I react.  Then he reacts back.

My husband stepped in because he heard him kicking the wall.  Because God forbid he put a hole in the wall.  My mother became very good at patching walls so I know this is really not a big deal!  But my husband is house proud, OCD, whatever but not a good mix sometimes.  Sigh then the shit really hit the fan.

(The following is bit detailed & could be triggering.  Also please remember he has been evaluated numerous times, mentioned below but please know going in he has been evaluated.  I have also been trained as a nurse, if I ever thought he was unsafe I would call 911 so fast.  If you or your child ever says anything like below they should be evaluated immediately!!)

My son became extremely upset.  He starts saying bad things about himself.  Something about how he wants to die.  This is extremely triggering for me on so many levels.  Logically I know we have been down this road many times.  Been evaluated for it & discussed when he isn’t upset & he has always said he never has any intention of hurting himself.  These are just the words he chooses to express how he wants to escape.  We have worked with him to get him to express this in a different way.  I know logically that this is only the second time in the past 12 months that he has said anything like this and at one point we went through this weekly, and sometimes multiple times a week.  And he used to self harm when he said it.  And he would get taken for evaluation in the heat of the moment, after he calmed down he always said the same thing.

Logically I know this.  Logically I know he hasn’t had his meds, including an antidepressant, in days.  The problem with these meds is when people start to feel good they think they don’t need to take them anymore.  He was not taking his meds because, well I don’t know why he didn’t take on his own and because I was sick and my husband didn’t try hard enough. My husband doesn’t try hard enough because he doesn’t think he needs the meds.  When he does well I wonder if he needs the meds too.  He is almost 15, almost 18, what will we do when he turns 18.  I was completely different from 15 to 18 to 2os. Wow I was way different, what will he be?  What is best for him.  I don’t know.

But I do know this, right now, is my fault.   I should have made sure he was getting his meds.  I need to get him back on his meds.

I suck as a parent.  Who am I to write a blog.  I don’t have all the answers.  Who am I to go back to school to help others like him, others like me.  I hate times like this when he is upset.  It rips my heart out.  I hate this, and I start to think how I hate my life and want to die.  I never say those words out loud but I think them.  I used to think them often but I never said it out loud.  Is it so hard to believe that he would think these thoughts and say them out loud?  I don’t really want to die I just want this, his being upset, my feeling inadequate to end.  Is that how he is feeling too?  That is what he says when he calms down.

I lay on the floor of his room until he calms down.  He tells me to F off many times and how he just wants left alone.  I can’t leave him alone because although I think I know how he feels I can’t be a hundred percent sure.  I call off work because I need to be here with him.  This all started around 10 PM and he was calm by midnight.  I could tell he was still agitated but calm and no longer telling me to F off.  Again logically I can think that in the past this could last for hours, taking days to recover.  I stay up with him until 3AM when he finally takes his pills and goes to bed.  At some point he even apologized to me.

He is still sleeping.  I don’t know what today will bring but I need to focus on taking things one day at a time with him.  I need to stop over analyzing every single thing.  It doesn’t do anyone any good.  My anxiety just makes him anxious.  I need to accept he has good days and bad.  I need to not react when he says the over exaggerating I hate school and not doing it anymore.  I need to just work with him as best I can.  He has made huge progress and that is what I need to focus on.  Maybe my Zoloft needs increased or at least get my medical issues straightened around so that I can be there for him better until he can manage himself better.

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Comments

  1. Wow. What a hard night. So glad he’s safe. I hope that you have a in-person support system. Some nights are like that. Did you ever read Alexander and the Terrible Awful No Good Very Bad Day? Might be good for a giggle when you’re ready.

  2. I hope the week turns out better!

  3. Thank you so much for posting this. I hope your week gets better. My son, aged 9, said he wished he could just kill himself for the first time ever this week. My head is all the places your heads been. X

    • I am sorry your child said this. My son was 8 or 9 the first time he started saying things. Is heartbreaking. Hope you have good therapist or someone to talk to him to make sure won’t harm self.

  4. arianezurcher says:

    Hey, just wanted to say reach out to you and tell you I know so well that feeling of “I suck as a parent.” I’ve thought a whole number of versions on that theme, “I suck as a human being” “I suck as a daughter.” “I suck _________ (fill in the blank.) I don’t know if every parent feels this way at some point, but my own mother gave me some great advice when I was pregnant with my eldest. She said – “Love your children, show them, tell them as often as you can, and one day they’ll forgive you.” I’ve never forgotten those words.

  5. karenaspergersmom says:

    You have every right to share your story and write through your pain. We all go through the what-if’s and the why-me’, the guilt and am I doing this right? They do need structure…clearly defined limits, but enforcing that is easier said than done, especially when you’re not feeling well. Been there…doing that…got the t-shirt. This shit ain’t for the weak at heart. Hugs mama.

  6. Eeeek so much of this I recognise my son is 11 & although he hasn’t expressed a wish to self harm he does get really angry & has started occasionally to lash out at his younger sister I often don’t know what to for the best & also have the issue where my husband has different expectations, which doesn’t help ( in fact often makes it worse ) I also take pills for anxiety & depression so I totally understand the situation you describe of emotions feeding off each other in a spiral. It is so hard sometimes to know how to break that cycle. It is for these reasons that I have recently started to write about our experiences. I’m so glad I did because without that decision I wouldn’t have found all these insights. Thanks so much for sharing this and I hope your week has got better

Trackbacks

  1. […] days where he did not get his meds.  I posted about some of the medication and sleep issues early may.  I tried to get him back on schedule.  I would for a few days and then he would get back off […]

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