Balancing act- opinionated, fairness, argumentative


As far back as I can remember I have always been opinionated. I have always had a very strong need for things to be fair, right, and just. I have always had perfect memory of what people say and do. If you say x and then say no you didn’t I will call you on it. I will be very upset that you tried to lie to me. I will have no hesitation calling you out- it has never mattered if you were my parent, my teacher, my boss, my friend, my spouse or a complete stranger. It is just me. Maybe I understand it better now that I know it is Asperger’s.

I can watch my son and husband and tell them not to get so upset about things. I can tell them not everyone thinks that way. Not everyone remembers exactly what they said or even meant what they said or have any intentions of actually doing what they said. I can tell them that something is not worth arguing with their peer about. But I struggle to put this into practice myself.

Twice this week I have reacted to someone else very strongly about something I felt strongly about. Both times I reflected and realized maybe I was too harsh. Maybe I need to stop and try to think of where they are coming from. Try to realize why they would have a different opinion than me. Why they may have a different view point. Why that may be okay. I don’t need to always attempt to change their thought process.

I remember years ago when I told my mom I was going to go to law school. She responded “well you are argumentative”. My husband has said numerous times that I like to argue. Although now after 15+ years of marriage he now makes comments like “there is no point in arguing with you” or “you’ll do what you want no matter what I say anyways” or when discussing an issue at my son’s old school “they clearly don’t know who they are dealing with”.

At work and at my son’s old school I do handle things the same way. They say “x” and I will say I know it is “y” and then I will go through why I am right. I always have the evidence and documentation to back up what I say. If I say that someone is not a team player or doesn’t follow directions at work. You can bet your last dollar I have the emails to back that statement up. The same with when my son attended brick and mortar school. Sometimes you have to handle meetings that way at the school. Don’t tell me my son isn’t capable of doing something when no supports were provided or tell me the law says something it doesn’t. Game on.

But sometimes that isn’t the best way to approach things. It just turns people off (for lack of a better expression). I try not to be a judgmental person. I am accepting of all others but stupidity or laziness is not something that I accept. (Shoes is probably laughing out loud about now- she and J both found the post about them funny btw). I don’t mean to say I am superior but I know I have that scary memory and I know I have this strict adherence to rules that not everyone has. These things make me good at my job but also sometimes makes me have very high expectations of people.

Interestingly my strict adherence to rules ends with my socks. I will continue to wear my polka dot socks- I quit wearing the hello kitty and paul frank Julius & skull & cross bones socks as a compromise but there is nothing wrong with polka dots. And yes I was even vocal about that at work recently. I think I worked that in as why can so & so not do their work and I work my ass off but get crap about my socks. The thing that my boss probably doesn’t understand is that I take everything so personally. I probably will get the damn socks on my evaluation. Okay well it will be right there next to how great I did with my actual work. Which is what I feel I should be judged on. Go harass the people that don’t do their job and leave my damn socks alone.

My son and I were watching tv the other day. I don’t remember what they were advertising. I only remember they were playing poker and the boss in the commercial said he was about to decide who to promote. They showed one of the worker’s cards and he had 4 queens and then folded. My son yelled “what the hell he should have played the queens”. I explained to him that it was supposed to be funny and that how people need to concede to their boss sometimes in order to get ahead. He said that is total bullshit and that people should be judged by their work. Word but I explained that isn’t how it works.

I know that but every damn time I would play the queens and not fold. I need to learn how to quietly fold, quietly concede sometimes. As a manager I know that sometimes things are going on behind the scenes that others don’t know. I need to remember that and not get so upset at work. I need to focus on my own job and my own work.

The same goes for parenting. I have very strong feelings about autistics and parenting. Sometimes yes I need to jump up and down- for the love of God don’t give your child bleach!! Don’t kill your child!! Many things require adamantly arguing and providing the evidence but not every single thing I disagree with. Sometimes my emotions and this internal drive just takes over. But then I could alienate someone that actually needs support & would appreciate learning from other parents and autistics but I haven’t even given them a chance. I need to remember that I started blogging to provide support to parents. I just recently read a blog post about a small child being violent and making violent statements when upset. I left a comment about our journey. Not telling them they are doing anything wrong but just that I remember being there and being scared. That we worked hard to get where we are with self advocating and rare meltdowns. I need to get back to that focus. Not being argumentative, not being abrasive. Back to here, providing support to each other.

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Comments

  1. “It just turns people off (for lack of a better expression).”
    That is the perfect expression because sometimes the argument makes others shut off like a switch. Then they aren’t listening so you can’t change their mind, but it is so dang hard when someone is wrong to leave that simple fact unsaid. 😉

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