Sometimes


Sometimes I just want to cry.  Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed.  I just feel so exhausted from interactions with people.  Did I do or say the right thing.  Did I affect someone in the wrong way.  Did I snap at someone because I just couldn’t anymore.  I couldn’t remain calm.  I couldn’t handle all of the incoming sensory.  too many people talking.  Sometimes it is just too much.

Sometimes I feel like I am not doing the right thing with my son.  Is he really getting a good education at home?  I try really hard but I know he may not be getting as good of an education from me at home.  Sometimes I wonder if he should go back to regular school.  But then I remember the meltdown he has with me would be 10x worse at school.  Instead of walking away the teacher would get into a power struggle with him.  I don’t.  Is that wrong?  However he is getting so much better.  I walk away, I reapproach later and it goes better.  The next time the meltdown is not so bad.  He is more cooperative.  He is more willing to work with me now.  I must be doing something right.

He woke me up at midnight last night to take his algebra test and for me to buy him a game.  I had taken benadryl and I barely bought him the game.  He had to help me navigate online and through paypal.  I hope he didn’t get my password.  I was so tired.  He did his Algebra test today.  He got upset during the test. He closed the lap top- didn’t throw it or punch it.  Way better than before.  He then pulled it together eventually.  The test was finished but then not in the mood for other things.  I leave him alone.  Give him a break.  I’ll go back later.  Usually he will go back to work.  I know if he was in brick and mortar school that would have ended much worse.

But Sometimes I really do wonder.

Sometimes I wonder if I could be a better person.  I feel so bad when I finally have enough and snap.  Am I mean to people?  Should I have handled it better?

Sometimes I wonder if I could be better a wife, a better mother, a better friend.

Sometimes I wonder….

But what I do know is that I love the support I get from Twitter friends and some of my real life friends.  I don’t know what my problem is lately.  Maybe I am just tired.  I am still not 100% well but 100% back at work and back at schooling my son.  Maybe I am just tired.

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Comments

  1. Yep! your tired. We can’t do it all. We get tired just like the kids do. We all need breaks. Big hugs. Your a great teacher if you can get him to do all that. I’m going to home school one of my boys when his time at his specialized school is done. I guess I will be asking you for advice soon on whats your secret to success. You know I kinda got tired hearing you describe your work load. It sounds like a lot. One thing I don’t have on my plate yet is home school. That’s one hudge undertaking. Hang in there and hope you get that much needed break soon. If you can have a nice cup of red wine. Cheers!

    • No wine allowed 😦
      We are doing online school through K12. Is work but less work than educating teachers about my sons needs! He stills has good days and bad days but we get through. I am just tired.

      • Lol I’m just messing around. This K12 is popular. And really seems great. Homeschool is a lot of work.

  2. Sounds like you might be tired and for good reason.
    cut yourself some slack!
    ox

  3. Oh my gosh! Your first paragraph is me right now. I’m exhausted, overwhelmed and just want to be alone, away.

    Thank goodness for social media and the support it brings, with the freedom to walk away and be alone when necessary.

  4. micheleschwien says:

    “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, an hour, a day, or even a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” – Lance Armstrong.

  5. Wow….I could have written this myself. I’m bipolar and have Lupus…so life can stink. Now throw in homeschooling 3 kids, 1 has Autism I am always questioning what I’m doing. If I’m hurting them or helping them. And days that I’m super sick I don’t even care and then I feel guilty over that. It’s a cycle, a craz y cycle! Feel better soon 🙂

    • It is bad cycle. This week i have a procedure scheduled so trying to get through more than normal. Then I feel guilty trying to push him through. Then I get upset when he doesn’t want to do school. Not his fault I have a procedure scheduled. Hoping it won’t knock me down for long.
      I am sure you are doing awesome with your kids 🙂

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