I have started to write this post and scrapped it numerous times.  It may not all come out right, my feelings, emotions are still very raw.  I am still in the “recovery” phase.

I had written previously that when you are ill and in need of help you find out who your true friends are.  Many friends stepped up.  I honestly declined most offers of help.  Not because I didn’t appreciate or need the help but because it is very hard for me to let people in.  And I mean all the way in.  Close enough to see me at my most vulnerable.  Close enough to really know the truth.  There was one person that was I was all in with.  (I’d make a joke about poker here but it really isn’t in me today).  This person has gotten to know my son really well and that was very, very handy when I was in a hospital bed and my husband was trying to cope and be by my bedside when it was so bad.  Sigh just thinking about it I feel so torn so heartbroken.

I can’t completely go in to details but let me take you to a very common scene.

When a group of children, teenagers, adults are on the playground for example.

One child has become a “bully” and one child has become the “target”.  Sometimes this bullying occurs around the other children but sometimes it is just a quiet exchange between the two.  The “target” could be the target for a number of reasons.  The “bully” could be the bully for a number of reasons.  When the bully opening picks on the target in front of a group of kids.  All of the kids witnessing have a choice.

a) say some version of “hey that wasn’t right”

b) ignore it (not the best option but sometimes that is what has to happen due to maybe their own fear) maybe they can report it later or approach the target later to at least say “hey that wasn’t right”.

c) join in

When a friend chooses c it is just heartbreaking.  Especially when this friend knows of the bully & target situation.  They know how hurtful.  Yes I confronted friend & they said they didn’t think about it.

I guess the stuff from paragraph one was just doing stuff.  I don’t understand.  I am so tormented by this.  I have completely retreated into my shell.  Another “kid on the playground” did b & I understood why they had to do c and I appreciate that they did option b.  I very loudly told my “friend” that those were her options and I am completely heartbroken that they chose c.  I am proud of myself though because in those moments I was so hurt and so angry I kept visualizing myself throwing things but I did not.

I can’t find the words to express my current emotions.


  1. leighforbes says:

    I am so sad that you are heartbroken, but I understand: a friend of mine bullied me last year. Only on one occasion (spread over couple of hours); but in that time he destroyed fourteen years of friendship and trust. It *is* heartbreaking.
    I hope, as you recover, you can be a better friend to yourself than your friend has shown herself to be. Take care.

  2. I’m so sorry your going through this. I was bullied and tormented for years by a friend. A friend that I counted on. Many people knew about it but did nothing. In fact many people choose the C option. No one was choosing the A option. The pain of her constant bulling and manipulation effected my life until I let go. Sometimes when you witness a bully you don’t know what to do. Sometimes people just like to watch. But it hurts. This week we did moments of silence in honor of many victims who have been bullied into depression. We have watched many commit suicide over bullying. The depression and lowered self-esteem for some becomes to great and they fall hard. I’m glad when people stand up and take the A option. When someone stands up and says bullying is wrong it brings the victim peace. Wishing you peace and happiness in a time when you are sad. Much respect. Sending you hugs

    • Whoops I goofed big time I ment the A option. Lol. It’s hard typing from a phone. You can only see so much. And there is no going back when you type it. Sorry sorry I really ment A. B sucks! No one should just watch someone being bullied. Always stand up and say. ” this is too much” and help stop the torment of bulling.

    • Yes I agree. More people need to stand up. I think sometime it is harder when in certain situations- maybe related to status or maybe when someone isn’t sure whether or not it was a joke or teasing. but then again if someone views it as wrong & points it out sometimes it turns out the person it was directed to took it wrong too.

      And yes bullying leads to depression, low self esteem and sometimes suicide. Have been through all with even thoughts of suicide. Now I am stronger than that but it still affects me deeply. Working on putting it all in perspective. Having all of this support here helps a lot!! Not everyone has so much support. But I am still very sad and confused.
      Thank you very much for your support.

  3. I’m sad to read this, and it reminded me that “bullying” can happen at any age.

    Standing up to a bully takes self-confidence and integrity. Doing nothing is not ideal, but – as you pointed out – understandable. Joining in? Unacceptable. And the opposite of a “friend.”

    I’m sorry you’re going through this, but now you’ve seen this person’s true colors…and you deserve better. It’s not about you; it’s about THEIR shortcomings!

    I’m proud of you too!


    • Thank you so much! One of these days I will update. I still need to process some things…
      Sorry your comment was stuck in my spam filter- you are clearly not spam!!

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