Life Changing


I haven’t written in a while because I have so much to say and can’t keep one thought stream going straight and focused long enough to type it out but going to try.

Bullying is one of the worst things that a person can ever go through.  Those scars run very deep.

Recently I have watched a whole group fall apart over a misunderstanding.  It was awful because someone tried to step in and say “hey perhaps that other person took it worse because they were bullied in the past” and then all hell broke loose.  People started accusing others of not validating their feelings.  And then no one stepped in because it was clear that no matter what any one said it would not end well.  So then everyone walked away with various feelings of hurt, confusion, anger.  It was very sad.  I have been one of the inactive ones and I know my inactivity hurt one of my friends.  But if I acted another friend would be hurt.  I still feel so hollow from that whole experience.

Because of my bullying I have been so afraid to, well to do a lot of things.  I have always been afraid of being judged.  Of not being right.  Of not being something, anything.  I was just afraid.  Bullying changes you.  It changes you to your core.

If you are reading this and you have cancer or another life threatening illness you probably thinking “oh honey you don’t know what you are talking about”  A year ago you would have been right.  But last spring I did have a life threatening illness.  I laid in that bed and no one, including the doctors, were sure I would make it.

Life changing again.  It has been a long road to recovery.  I can’t even say I am there yet.  I had a cold a couple of weeks ago and it knocked me on my ass.  I have felt so tired and worn out I wondered what was wrong with me.  But bit by bit I started to feel better.  The words from recent Dr. visits about how I am still immunocompromised played in my head.  Right it just took my body longer to bounce back.  Wow I hope that gets better with time.  But I know I have slowly gotten better this last year.  So hopefully that means that I will continue to get better.

Mentally/emotionally I have had a lot of changes.  I am less stressed at work.  Screwing up at work or even getting fired doesn’t seem like the worst thing that could happen to me.  But beyond that I just feel more self assured.

I decided now was the time to do something different.  I started selling Thirty One.  I promise this is not going to be a sales pitch.  Not at all.  I always wanted to start my own business but was scared.  This was an opportunity to do so and yet not quit my full time job.  I just wanted to see if I could be successful.  But what does success mean?

Yesterday I went on a home office tour.  Every person there was so appreciative and so thankful for the work we do.  Yesterday my “upline” discovered that I met a goal extraordinarily fast.  Well of course I did, I am an aspie.  Give me a goal people I will meet it!!  They made such a huge deal about it.  It made me chuckle because I have done 10x or 100x that amount at other jobs and not received the same appreciation.  I felt so good yesterday.  I realized this was what I needed.  For me this is success.  To feel appreciated.  To feel wanted & loved.

I knew I only got there because of the support and help from my friends and family.  Over the past year I have learned who my true friends are.  And how incredibly awesome those people are.  I am so blessed to have them in my life.  I am so blessed to have my life.  So through this journey I found my faith again.  I found me again.

Last night I dreamt that I saw the girl, that first girl that made fun of me on the bus.  In my dream she told me she was sorry, she really had nothing against me, and we hugged.  Words can’t express how I feel today.  Heeled?  Whole? Ready to face anything?

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Comments

  1. Sometimes dreams like that can a powerful start or sign of healing 🙂

    Self empowering, forgiving, letting go, moving on, and getting stronger. To me its like a pyramid and at the very top of it is our true self without all of the baggage and hurt- and with an incredible view of how far we’ve climbed. I’m working to get there too but I think it’s a life long struggle to keep us humble 🙂

  2. Anonymous says:

    This article seems to be very related to the story you told here.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/simon-baroncohen/science-of-evil_b_2831311.html

  3. Written Escape Clinics says:

    Hi – I totally understand! My blog about “Aspieness” is new here – http://asktreyce.wordpress.com/2013/03/29/my-life-as-an-aspie/. Like you, bullying was a part of my life as is my piano and my art. I too learned who my true friends were because many times I feel nobody really understands even though they try. ((hugs from one to another)) Treyce @ http://www.TreyceMontoya.com

  4. Anonymous says:

    “Recently I have watched a whole group fall apart over a misunderstanding.”

    It wasn’t a misunderstanding. Nobody who was there misunderstood anything. They all knew exactly what was happening.

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