When he can’t speak

My house has been rather chaotic yet also some wonderful strides have been made.

My husband had to do some juggling with work vehicle & his home vehicle. So all weekend a couple weeks ago my husband kept saying about me dropping him off at work to get the work van. Blah blah. We decide to go out to eat the one night, whole discussion between him and I where to go. We settle on a place. While eating my husband mentions stopping to get something for Sheldon bc he wouldn’t eat where we were eating. My husband said Sheldon mentioned take home from WL. I said that is odd where did he get WL from? He said he didn’t know. Then after we eat my husband says oh wait we need to go get van. Um yeah WL is restaurant next to where husband works. Head desk we should have listened to Sheldon.

A couple of days later we needed to exchange his work van for his car. This time Sheldon comes barreling out of his room asking for clothes. Yep he wanted to go to WL to eat. On way out door my husband asks Sheldon if he would help unload van. I cringe inwardly… Really he asked to go somewhere?! Now you want to ask him to work. Sheldon said “sure!” And helped his dad without complaining once & even mentioned how he didn’t mind helping.

All week I have asked Sheldon to help out around the house more & he has done everything I have asked & more. He says he is doing to earn allowance. That is great, we tried that before but he wouldn’t budge. But now he is ready. He has been helping out more and being compliant.

Is it always easy? No, hell no.

We all have bronchitis. Sheldon asked to start his allergy pills about a week ago. It didn’t help so they went to the dr’s today. My husband was concerned because he needed a shower. He refused. So I went in & offered to help him clean up. I started washing him & he said “I’m sorry”. Was he sorry because I was sick, because he hates bathing, what? So I asked. “I’m sorry I’m not good at cleaning myself, I tried”. Okay bathing is something we go round and round with. I said okay well let me help you & it will get easier. He said okay.

His dad comes home & starts going on about him bathing. I asked him to stop I already took care of it but by this point I’m laying down. Can’t get up, can’t yell. I remember they survived last year when I was sicker. I hear Sheldon yell “I’m not going”. Oh no here comes the power struggle. I think my husband walked away. And then I hear him speak softly to Sheldon. Sheldon refused to let his dad wash his hair but he got dressed & got ready & left.

He came home with antibiotics. I cringed bc he HATES antibiotics. Years of fighting – pills are to big, liquid tastes awful & crushing is just a nightmare. Every time he has had to take antibiotics it is a battle. I don’t have the fight in me. Oh crap. So I made a comment. He says “it’s no big deal, I can take pills, I’ve taken pills my whole life”. No argument, pills taken. What!?!

I asked my husband – isn’t this the kid that usually fights over meds. He says I know “isn’t that something” we discuss how good he has been lately. My husband brings up the bathing. I tell him the conversation I had with him. My husband visibly becomes upset. “Why didn’t he just tell me, I wouldn’t have been so hard on him”.

I said “he couldn’t tell you”

Stressed? Embarrassed? Couldn’t find right words?
Any of the above

He is verbal but not like an NT is verbal. The words are not always there. I wish I could make people understand.

I read of Alex this week and it hurt me. (Trigger warning) Someone sent me the invite to the vigil under my real name. So I went into my alias account and read. And I read about his history. I can’t retype it now. I can’t even go find the link. I relived it. I feel what people feel. It is good and bad. I could feel how scared he must have been tied up… I go cold inside, I want to vomit, I can’t speak.

When they can’t speak YOU HAVE TO LiSTEN in other ways. Don’t wait for them to tell you, they can’t.

Think I am crazy I don’t care. I know how it feels to be sick & unable to speak. It is scary & how dare you. How dare you torture someone who can’t speak. I want to save them all

I look at my son – he used to flip desk in panic, hide & scream & wail. I said no more. He is my angel & I will help him. By letting him be him. And now he is ready and we will work at his pace and we will meet his needs. Even when he cannot speak.


  1. usethebrainsgodgiveyou says:

    My son is 19 now. If he is very upset, he will walk away, and then write an email telling his side of the story. He writes really well, and tells us _exactly_what he thinks. He does this for things that go right to the core of his being. I’m thankful he can do it.

    • That is good he can do that now! My son refuses to write. When we made him or therapist encouraged him he would write awful things when upset. Now he mostly just slams a door (been a while!). Sometimes he can later calmly say what happened. But it is a lot of me working with him. It keeps getting better though :-). Thanks for sharing

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