My Meltdown

Feb 15, 2012

We are both still adjusting to Online school I suppose even though it has been a few weeks.  It felt like it was taking a lot of organization and executive functioning skills to figure out what needed to be done when.  I kept having a nagging feeling that I was over complicating things.  I think that I was but now I have it organized and I feel as though I know what we need to do every day.

We are a bit behind but I keep trying to tell myself that is okay for many reasons.  The number one reason being he was either behind or refusing to do work most of the time when was in regular school so really why would it be different now?  He will survive if he doesn’t complete a couple of assignments, and we will all be much saner.  I can probably even get some of the assignments excluded if we needed to based on his IEP.  Since it is early in the semester though I am just moving forward and see how much we get done and really we are not that far behind.  But I am that type A personality so it is hard for me to RELAX.

Yesterday I had a really bad day at work.  I knew that I was stressed and had decided would only do minimal work with him and be happy for anything that gets completed.  I swear that was my mindset.

My husband did not have to work late and quite honestly that made me nervous.  I always feel judged by him.  Especially related to the online schooling.  My husband didn’t want him to be homeschooled or attend online school.  I did it anyways.  Overall my husband has commented that it is better.  However he asks me every day what work was completed.  Every day I tell my husband to quit asking me that.  It stresses me out more.  It drives me absolutely nuts when he asks me that.  I feel judged and under more stress when he asks me.  It is a simple question really and my husband insists he is just making conversation.

I can’t seem to express appropriately that I really hate that question every day.  We are getting the work done at our pace.  Although I do admit we need to move a bit faster but I also know we are working through transition.  We also had to determine the best way and time of day that worked for Sheldon and I.  If he is resistant we don’t get very far.

It all started when my husband called when he was leaving work.  This practice irritates me in general because he wants to talk to me about his day on his way home from work.  I want that time to finish whatever I am doing prior to his arrival home.  He usually works much later and for the few months his hours change it is disruptive to my routine.  Sigh, yep pretty sure I am an aspie.

Anyways I told him I had a bad day and then he continued to talk about whatever.  He then says “are you sure nothings wrong, it seems like something is wrong.”  I say, “I just told you I had a bad day!”  Duh.  I probably should have started some relaxation techniques then.  Unfortunately I didn’t.  He comes home and of course asks me about school work.  I was trying to get Sheldon started and already starting to stress over it so I really didn’t need to be questioned.  GRRR

As the night went on he was resistant to starting his school work because he was playing with his friends.  Obviously I want him to play with his friends but we also need to do school work.   Time for school work seems to be the biggest issue at the moment.  I am at work at the optimum time for him to work.  I am working on flexing my hours to be at home during part of the day but this week is just a really bad week for that.

To put things in to perspective co-workers are telling me I am working too much and supposed to be leaving early to work with him.  I try explaining this to my husband and he gets irritated that I have to leave work to accommodate him and that he should just do the work when I say.  I feel trapped.

What happens when someone feels trapped- they blow up.  At least I do.  It was not pretty.  Although it is true my son  needed to do his work last night I did not have to tell him he had to do it right then or he would have to go back to regular school.  I even said something about his dad would force him to go.  There may have been a reference to cops being involved to make him go.  What the hell was I thinking.  I guess like him when I melt I just say random things.  Shit.  I seriously suck as a parent.

Of course this does not encourage him to do school work.  Instead it causes the reaction that regular school does.  He shuts down and starts saying that I should call the cops and he belongs in a mental hospital and all sorts of negative things.  Oh I really suck.  We may have been behind but he was working and he was doing well.  Why did I let my husband get me stressed out.  So now I am crying and yelling at my husband.  He is of course saying he didn’t do anything.  I can’t really explain to him correctly how I feel.

I go to calm Sheldon down.  I am devastated that I have broken his trust.  I apologize up and down.  I feel horrible for losing it.  Yes he needs to do school work and we need to make sure we move at a good pace but having a meltdown and spewing off threats isn’t how to accomplish that.

I eventually calm us both down.  We talk about how I will try to be there for the times that he can accomplish the best work without distractions and still have time with his friends.  I get it, I really do.  He will work with me at other times on the days that I can’t be home during those times.  We agreed and we made up.  We even did school work and got a lot accomplished.  But next time I feel that stressed I will go with my gut instinct and not expect much from him or just take the day off.

Hopefully my husband will forgive me as well. Although I do hope he learned not to ask about school work!  As someone pointed out on twitter he probably had his own internal stuff going on.  It was Valentine’s Day.  There were no winners in our house for Valentine’s Day!